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Senior psychological tutor Huang Qituan shared a story in his book:

A female cadet consulted him and said that she was very tired and didn't know how much longer she could hold on. She felt like she was going to collapse.

she has changed several jobs, but each job has a heavy workload.

the leader always gives her a lot of work, but her colleagues are very relaxed.

it's the same when she gets home. She does all the housework. Her husband doesn't care about anything at home. He only looks at his cell phone.

after listening to her cry, Huang Qituan confirmed to her:

listen to you say so, no matter at work or at home, the hardest person is always you, and the people around you are very relaxed, as if all the work falls on you, is that so?

"Yes, that's it," the female cadet nodded.

Huang Qituan immediately asked her, "have you ever thought that all this is your own fault?"

Man is a social animal, always in a certain social relationship, and everyone can not avoid having influence with others.

in the process of mutual influence, we teach others how to treat ourselves.

some people teach others how to respect themselves; others teach others how to hurt themselves;

some people teach others how to be kind to themselves; others teach others how to let themselves down.

in short:

you teach you what others do to you.

No one can hurt you without your permission

writer Yang Jiang once said such a sentence:

"you have the upbringing of not hurting others, but there is no aura that will not be harmed. If no one protects you, please take some edge in your kindness and protect yourself."

what is the least cherished thing in the world?

is no bottom line of compromise and forgiveness, no boundary of kindness and sincerity.

compromise and forgiveness without a bottom line will not get the other person's gratitude, but will become their capital to hurt you all the time.

similarly, kindness and sincerity without boundaries will only make the other person gain an inch and consume your energy unscrupulously.

your concession, your accommodation and tolerance, in the other party's view is not kind, but a kind of permission, allowing him to continue to trouble you, bully you, hurt you.

the communication between people is tentative.

when the other person does something that makes you uncomfortable for the first time, you choose to forgive instead of refusing, then there will be a second or third time;

when the other person hurts you for the first time, and you express your dissatisfaction in time, he knows the boundaries and bottom lines of dealing with you.

No one in the world can hurt you unless you agree.

the person who hurts you will hurt you again and again, because you handed him the knife with your own hands.

this reminds me of a scene in the popular drama "County Party Committee Courtyard" some time ago:

as a newcomer to the workplace, Lin Zhi is serious and responsible for his work, and even helps his colleagues do other work together.

but his kindness was not treated well by the other party. His colleague Xiao Zhao not only took his credit, but also left all his work to him.

Lin Zhiwei, who did not want to argue with Xiao Zhao about "taking credit", was so annoyed that he decided not to put up with it any longer.

when he was asked to help with the work again, he refused.

"I don't have time, and the manuscript that the director asked me to write is also in a hurry. Why don't you ask him …"

it is said in the novel disqualification in the World:

"my misfortune lies in my lack of the ability to refuse. I am afraid that once I refuse others, I will leave a rift that will never heal in each other's hearts."

"

but your non-refusal has become a reason why others can hurt you again and again.

because no one can hurt you without your permission.

so, what we need to do is:

learn to express your dissatisfaction and refuse reasonably.

although we can't control the way other people do things, we can control our own boundaries and bottom lines.

pay with boundaries, kindness with bottom line, reasonable refusal, say no in time.

this is not only the best way to get along with others, but also determines the way others treat you.

others will do to you what you do to yourself

have seen a netizen's request for help:

"my boyfriend doesn't have enough money to save him money, but he doesn't care about me at all. Am I wrong?"

girls and boyfriends are rushing to get married.

at the beginning of her relationship, she was reluctant to let her boyfriend spend so much money and was very economical every time.

her boyfriend wants to take her to a big dinner, but she says she can have something to eat, as long as she has enough to eat.

such a number of times, the boyfriend did not care about her sensibility and thoughtfulness, but began to save a lot of things.

for example, there are no carefully prepared gifts, no planning in advance, or even holiday blessings for various festivals.

A girl is a person who pays great attention to etiquette and has been aggrieved countless times because of this.

on Valentine's Day, she couldn't help losing her temper when she saw that other couples were so sweet that she didn't even have a present.

her boyfriend gave her a red packet perfunctorily as an apology.

but what she wants is not a red envelope, but her boyfriend's heart, care and treasure.

the girl said:

"I feel aggrieved and frustrated. I don't have a sense of ritual that others have.

when I say it, I care about it, it becomes his task, and I force it reluctantly. Is it because I expect too much? "

there is a concept in economics called "cost theory".

means that when people decide whether or not to do something, they not only see if it is good for them, but also whether they have invested in it in the past.

A person's commitment to a relationship is related to the other person's "value" in his eyes.

for girls, the core reason why her boyfriend doesn't love her is probably because she doesn't really love herself.

in her relationship with her boyfriend, she is unwilling to spend her boyfriend's money, eat well, dress well and use good ones.

what you do to yourself, others will do to you.

if you don't take yourself seriously, others won't take you seriously;

if you don't respect yourself, others won't respect you from the bottom of your heart.

you can't see your own sparkle, and no one else will see you;

if you don't love yourself, others won't love you.

you teach you what others do to you

have heard a very philosophical saying:

"everyone is our mirror, and we unconsciously teach others how to treat ourselves."

you can see who you really are in the way others treat us.

and if we want others to be kind to us, the most important thing is to show our attitude.

while respecting and loving yourself, let others respect and identify with you from the bottom of your heart.

self-media writer Yang Xiaomi has a good friend Xiaobai. After graduating from college, he worked as a planner in an advertising company in Shanghai.

worked for more than 2 years and accumulated a lot of experience in offline planning.

at this time, many people came to her door and wanted her to help think about the plan for free, which would not take up much of her time.

but Xiaobai did not do so, but gave them a quotation, which clearly stated the specific costs.

to communicate in this way, 98% of people do not ask her for help because they have to spend money, but 2% are satisfied with her major and are willing to pay her to continue to cooperate.

Get set to buy a stunning short prom dresses and be the centre of attention. These collections perfectly match all occasions.

in the face of unreasonable demands, rookies adhere to two principles:

one, if you really don't want to do it, just refuse because you don't have time;

two, clearly mark the price and turn private requests into business transactions.

you often teach other people's attitude towards you.

if you respect your time and recognize your worth, others can't underestimate you.

on the contrary, you agreed to others' help for free and devoted your time and energy.

the final harvest may be taken for granted by each other, as well as repeated interruptions.

do not know how to refuse to help, is a low-value, low-cost pay, and finally consume their own life.

it is better to state your attitude directly at the beginning.

an explicit refusal is better than an ambiguous answer, and an expression of dissatisfaction is better than repeated compromises.

after all, what a person does to you is not formed in a day, but unconsciously taught to him in the process of getting along for a long time.

instead of teaching them to consume your energy and hurt your heart, teach them to respect your ideas and affirm your value.

Festinger's Law holds that

10% of things in life are determined by what happens to us, while the other 90% are determined by how we react to what happens.

that is to say, 10% of the things in life are beyond our control, while the other 90% are beyond our control.

you take credit for your relationship with others, good or bad.

because you teach you what others do to you.

so, if you want to change the way others treat you, you can first change your attitude towards yourself.

affirm yourself, affirm your own value, see your own shining point, and try to shine your own light.

appreciate yourself, appreciate your strengths, be confident, be full of expectations, and fully respect yourself;

identify with yourself, accept who you really are, focus on yourself, and live your life well;

like yourself, love yourself a little more, dare to refuse, dare to say no, in order to please yourself.

your life is not to please others, but to love yourself.

Don't be too good. You can refuse what you don't want to do and don't force what you can't do.

be a layman, love yourself, love life, love freedom, be kind to yourself, life is growth, growth is life.

encourage each other!